Some of his highlights...

-- Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with, just to screw with my subconscious.

-- It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to.

-- I bought an iPod. It can hold 5,000 songs and one telephone message from my mother.

-- Ever notice when a house burns down the only thing left standing is the fireplace and chimney? How's that for evidence?

-- Imagine...Pulitzer Prize fighting.

-- A friend of mine is on the Ouija Board of Directors.

And my three doubled-over-in-gut-busting-laughter tidbits...

-- A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place.

-- My nephew has H.D.A.D.D. - High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

-- In school they told me, "practice makes perfect" and then they told me "nobody's perfect" . . . so I stopped practicing.

and the delivery..........well, yuh gotta be there

"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
Steven Wright


That must be why I am afraid to look in a mirror!

"When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic."

"When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey."
Steven Wright