OK...got this one from my dad the other day and I've been laughing my hiney off over it. Here goes:

A grasshopper hops into a bar and jumps up on one of the barstools.

Bartender takes one look at him and says, "Heeeeyyyy....we make a drink in here that is named after you."

The grasshopper's antenna shoot straight up and he looks up at the bartender and says: "You mean...you've got a drink called STEVE???"

Thank you...I'm here all week...don't forget to tip your waiter.

K I got a good one, My G/f Killed me when i told her because shes blonde but oh well...
How do you make a blonde laugh on saturday?

Tell them a joke on wednesday!!!

I know its kinda dumb but something to lighten the mood with all this darn talk of politics!, its making me insane!

Here are some Deep Thoughts:

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.

I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.

When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English."

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.

Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"

Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.

You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood.

If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said inspection'." They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.

I think a good way to get in a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.

If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money.''

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up.

Does anyone know if it was Jack Handy who said "In the context of modern society, religion is nothing but a really strict book club?" I love that quote.

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than many do, to our amusement. Here are some more of his gems:

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
Overlooked something.

15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be
lazy

18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made
Your horn louder."

24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.

26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.

28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of
The bread.

29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many
Is research.

30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch
up.

32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to
Be on it.